Failed adoptions happen to other people, not us, right? Wrong.
Since my last post, Andrew and I jumped headfirst into our adoption journey and quickly pursued a situation that literally fell into our lap. On a Tuesday we hopped on the adoption train and that Friday, we received a phone call about the unique adoption of a 2 month old baby boy. After bringing the circumstances before the Lord, we decided to move forward and take a giant step of faith. Things fell into place and each step felt divinely inspired by the Lord. A beautiful community of Christians hundreds of miles apart, between two states, became connected over the destiny of this precious child. We felt blessed to be a part of the journey and watch God work out the details right before our eyes.
Our first visit with the birth mother and this adorable bundle of joy was emotionally overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. After returning home from the long trip, we held onto those memories and immediately began preparing the farm for our baby. As we anxiously waited in the weeks following, we replayed videos and admired beautiful photos from the visit over and over again, imagining this gift from God in our arms at the farm one day soon. There was an outpouring of love from friends and family, whether in the form of reference letters for our home study or donated baby clothes and gear. The nursery went from empty to overflowing in a short period of time. It was truly remarkable to watch God’s love show up through so many people and even more blessings. So many have followed our journey and couldn’t wait to join in the celebration of our growing family. It was then we began to accept our time to be parents was finally here.
When God told me to wait, I obeyed Him. When He told us to take a step of faith, we did. Little did we know our steps of faith on this particular adoption road would reach a dead end. Without getting into details of the emotional roller coaster and legal logistics that ensued, it was clear God’s will for this beloved baby boy’s life didn’t include us. The birth father firmly stepped into the picture and we felt in our spirit that was our cue to step out of the picture.
Motherhood was so close I could feel it deep in my soul. When I came to grips with the harsh reality of our circumstances, I realized our dream fell apart as quickly as it came together. The last two months preparing the nursery, paying for travel expenses and attorney fees, and submitting numerous documents, left us with empty arms. Everything disappeared except the baby items filling our house. Where do we go from here? How do I pick myself up off the bathroom floor? Why God?
We are left holding our heart in pieces on hard days, praying the Lord will give us the strength to put it back together one piece at a time. We have been through war emotionally and bare the battle scars on our hearts. None of it makes sense right now and we may never understand.
What I do know is that our God is good. We are loved. We will be ok.
This pain will pass and we see it already molding us into stronger people. We trust the Lord will use it for something good. He always does.
Friends, family and strangers have stepped out for us, prayed for us and loved us through these hard parts. When we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable and share our innermost fears and struggles, it opened the door for others to support us through spiritual guidance and endless encouragement. The love we have felt from those around us is too big to measure. When we were struggling to keep the tears from falling outside the courtroom of the recent custody hearing, it was the Lord’s promises and strong support system that has enveloped us along the way that kept our spirits from completely falling apart. And if the bond between me and Andrew wasn’t strong enough already, this experience solidified our commitment to not only one another but also our walk with Christ. Our faith in God and our relationship with Him grew exponentially through this heartache. Our decisions and next steps were brought to the feet of Jesus each and every time, praying for God’s perfect will while surrendering ours. That is not an easy feat when you desire to be a mother with every fiber of your being. And it hurts when your heart is wide open for everyone to see, only to find a closed door and an empty hallway. We let go of a precious baby boy, a child we love, knowing he will forever be imprinted on our hearts.
God saw how much we surrendered. God heard our cries and He feels our pain.
We don’t doubt God’s plan for our life. We don’t question it. We embrace it.
Through this entire adoption process, one little girl continued to surface. For those who have followed from the beginning, you may remember my heartfelt post earlier this year about the beautiful princess we longingly pray for each day – Lucy Pearl. Even as we opened our hearts for a baby boy, Lucy was in the back of our minds. Andrew even asked about her when we initially chose to move forward with the recent adoption. I will never forget that moment. “What about Lucy?” he asked. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Her presence in our life has become very real. She’s out there in the universe already because we have given her life. I can feel her. I yearn to meet her, hold her, love her, rock her, protect her and teach her. I have shed many tears for her because I know with every single piece of my heart I will look into her eyes one day. The Lord has promised me that. Maybe it will be sooner than we think. We don’t know the timeline. We don’t know how she will arrive. Only God knows and that is enough for me right now.
As the waiting continues, we fervently pray for a miracle as our hearts heal. After we enjoy a holiday break from everything baby related, Andrew and I have decided to revisit adoption in the New Year.
Thank you to those who have donated to our adoption journey so far. Attorney expenses and travel costs were still present even though we aren’t left with a child in our arms. Please know every single penny helped us and we appreciate it so much. For those that have relentlessly prayed for us along the way, thank you. For those that checked on us, texted us, called us and hugged us, thank you. For those that took care of our farm as if it were their own, thank you doesn’t seem to cover it. For those that pulled me out of the house when all I wanted to do was eat ice cream in my pj’s for a week, thank you. For those that made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry, thank you. And for my husband that never stops holding my hand during the scary moments, loves me through my ugly emotions and brings me back to Christ with encouraging scripture and his unwavering faith, thank you.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on this next season, whatever that looks like.
This isn’t the end of our story…it’s just the beginning.