For those of you who regularly follow this blog and have kept up with our desire for a family, you already know the pain and heartache of our 4 year battle with infertility. Last year, we came face to face with our reality when we were given the official diagnosis of male factor infertility. Our fertility specialist felt confident he could get us pregnant through In Vitro Fertilization with Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (IVF with ICSI). At the time, we were thankful for the diagnosis but the treatment plan brought up personal and heavy moral discussions. There was an unsettling feeling when I thought about IVF and I truly felt in my heart that wasn’t the path for us. Although Andrew wanted to explore every avenue, he respected my decision and continued to believe in a miracle.
The Lord placed on my heart shortly after our diagnosis to wait (you can read more about that here). I wasn’t sure what we were waiting for but the message was clear – wait on the Lord. We took a giant step back from our infertility and agreed not to pursue IVF or anything else this past year. Our hearts needed time to grieve and heal from the burden we carried day after day, month after month, year and year. The raw feelings could be suffocating at times. I kept crying out to God and praying for His will. I didn’t understand all the pain and heartache but I trusted His plan. When I reached a point of acceptance and was ready to pursue adoption, Andrew wasn’t on the same page and remained grappled with the grief of our diagnosis. He felt as if we were giving up on our miracle if we pursued adoption. Ultimately, he just wasn’t yet ready. It was at that time I was reminded again of the Lord’s message to me many months ago about waiting. During the wait on my precious husband, the Lord continued to give me the strength I needed to press on in faith.
Coming to grips with the diagnosis of male factor infertility was hard for me, but it was even harder for Andrew. It is in a man’s DNA to procreate, sow their seed and continue their legacy. When one is told conception is highly unlikely without reproductive intervention, you can imagine the large range of emotions that ensued. I watched him process the pain, grieve the loss and open his heart over the course of this year. It hasn’t been easy and this walk of infertility hasn’t been without many tears. We watched families expand all around us while we remained standing still in our journey for a family.
Over time, adoption discussions would surface but it was apparent neither one of us were in the right frame of mind to agree on the subject. And then, one day, we broached the topic again, only to find us both on the same page and ready to move forward with adoption. On that wonderful afternoon in our farmhouse living room, I felt the Lord hug my heart.
As of today, my cowboy and I are finally ready to expand our family in the form of adoption. Although we are still waiting on a new addition to our Spivey farm family, it is an incredible blessing to be on the path of adoption after so many hard months of disagreement, grief and loss.
We can’t express our gratitude enough to all those who have prayed for us and with us, encouraged us and loved us along this journey. The support of our family, friends, Sarah’s Laughter support group and church community has been overwhelming the past few years. We have experienced the love of God in not only the people in our life but amazingly, our precious farm family too. Without each piece of the puzzle, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Andrew and I brought our needs to the feet of Jesus time and time again, remaining faithful to the Lord’s plan for our life. We know the ending of this story will be bigger and better than we can imagine.
Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we embark on the second half of this journey. The best is yet to come my sweet friends!