As most of you know, we have elected not to pursue IVF and continue to pray for our little miracle. Although we remain faithful, the waiting is difficult at times. More and more I have found myself talking to our future baby, the baby girl I hope and pray for every day. Instead of holding on to my thoughts and prayers, I compiled them in a letter to our future little one.
I pray for you every day of my life and call you by the name we have chosen for you…Lucy Pearl. I yearn to feel you grow and kick in my womb. I think about all the sweet things I will say to you and the songs I will sing to you. I pray my Mom meets you before she leaves this earth. I pray you are healthy and grow up feeling loved and cherished. I pray you have a passion for Christ as your parents do and feel the Lord’s presence in your life. I pray you grow up knowing your value as a child of God.
I ponder whether you will love dance and be creative like me or have a passion for the outdoors like your father or both! Will you need music in your life as I do all the time? Will you be an animal lover like both your parents? Will you have my blue eyes and your father’s curly brown hair? What will your voice sound like when I finally hear you say “Mommy”?
There’s a part of me that feels your presence even though you aren’t here yet. Your spirit lingers in the universe somehow. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so many seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years praying for you, my sweet princess. Maybe it’s because complete strangers are praying for you. Maybe it’s because all of our loved ones are praying for you. Maybe it’s because God told me you are coming and to remain patient.
God knows the exact moment your father and I will discover your existence. God knows when the wait will be over for us. God knows the pain in my cries and the sadness in my heart while I wait for you. God knows the shape of your fingers and toes, the curve of your nose, the texture of your hair and the color of your eyes. The Lord knowing the details gives me the peace and strength I need to continue to wait for you, my beautiful miracle.
I want you to know you are incredibly loved even though I haven’t met you or know when I will meet you. I want you to know your father has believed in your miraculous conception since we were first told it was impossible. His faith has never wavered and he has believed in your arrival from the very first second. He has never given up on you. Your father’s faith inspires me to push through the waiting, though it is agonizing at times. I want you to know we talk about you all the time – what you will be like, what we want to teach you, show you and share with you in this life. We have a farm with lots of animals just waiting for your tiny footprints. The horses, Sparkle and Freedom, are waiting to take you on farm adventures.
There are so many waiting for you on this earth and I know when we finally meet you, hold you, rock you and love you, face to face, it will be the greatest gift of love we have ever felt. I will never stop praying for you and I will never stop loving you.
These heartfelt words represent freedom for me. Freedom from the pain, freedom from the waiting, freedom from my thoughts, freedom from my dreams of a family, and freedom from our infertility. As my emotions flow like water, I realize I have not only given life to our Lucy Pearl, the child we desire, but I have also let go of what has kept me wrapped so tight all this time. Be free, my sweet Lucy, be free.